How It All Began

Helen of Troy’s face launched a thousand ships.

One crazy painting launched Tiki Wiki Fiki.

Here’s a sample of what transpired on Flint’s Facebook Wall after Buzz Dixon posted that painting:

Flint Dille
We’ll write it like a serial. Let’s say “Tiki Drinks.”

Robin W Enos
It is 1943. Captain Jack Harris burst into the room. M-1 blazing, just as the Nazi was about to get a Lemon Head.

Flint Dille
But it wasn’t going to be that easy. The evil Nazi pulled out his singapore Sling and launched a rock at Harris. Harris dodged out of the way, but it gave Captain Leiderhosen a chance to get to his feet. Tiki, Puka and Puka fled for cover.

Robin W Enos
Kapitan Leiderhosen, his Diki Dikki hanging forward, lunged toward Captain Jack. Leiderhosen’s Luger spat twice like a Scorpion, and Jack’s wingman dropped, just a Skull and Bones before he hit the floor. Jack, Leiderhosen in his sights, grunted. “Never-Say-Die, Kraut. Drop your Rum Barrel, or it’s Ooga Booga for you.” Leiderhose, puzzled, froze.

Flint Dille
It ended as quickly as it began. He woke up and the room was dark. He heard the distant horn of a fogcutter. He heard somebody say something that sounded like ‘breains’ in the distance. He sunk back onto the floor. “Not a zombie. Anything but a zombie.” He could only guess what had happened. Nazi’s pants were still on the floor along with the gold. Yeah. Harris would be rich, but he didn’t get the Rangoon Ruby. If he had to chase the nazi across the Earth, he would have it.

Robin W Enos
‎”Suffering B,” Jack cursed under his breath. The tiki gold sat there in an inch of swamp water. Jack thought quickly. A Clipper to Hong Kong, then a P-38 over the Himalayan wilderness. Jack looked outside. It was dark and stormy, but Jack could see the Milky Way through the fog.. Remembering his days as a rum runner, Jack knew he could catch up to the Nazi and recover the Rangoon Ruby. But he had an unfair advantage. Top secret information from Agent Nui Nui had reached Jack, indicating that . . . .

Flint Dille
Kaptitan “Boxer” Lederhosen was in League with Dr. Funk and Princess Pupuli. Odds are, they’d have to spend so much effort watching each other that they wouldn’t even see Sweet Lelaini, Jack’s best operative. Yeah. He was going to miss Chi Chi and Puka Puka, but there was no way they were going to be able to function in the Himalayas dressed like they were on Tuba-Co-Ola. Now, armed with his 38′ Special and his Shark Tooth stiletto, he set off after them.

Robin W Enos
Once ensconced in the co-pilot seat of the China Clipper, Jack reflected on the last time he’d seen Princess Pupuli. Memories of her body blazed through Jack’s mind like pink fire. How could he ever forget? That night they shared on Barb…

Flint Dille
Then Dr. Funk remembered that it was 1946 and he didn’t have a computer yet. He looked suspiciously at the hollowed out cocoanut on his desk. “What do the natives put into this?’ March 27 at 9:07am · Like

Robin W Enos
About an hour later, Captain Jack and Twan drove up. “So Chi Chi, what’s the situation?” “Zombies, Cap’. We capped the three that were here. Swept the boat — all dead. Well, not movin’ in a big puddle of blood. And that sub —

Robin W Enos
ChiChi and Puka Puka waited 10 minutes, then ChiChi looked at Puka Puka. “Well?” “Let’s go.” Just as they reached the sub’s deck, they were surprised when the hatch on the conning tower of the sub started to open.

Flint Dille
Meanwhile, Captain, ‘Boxer’ Liederhosen was trying to solve a problem. Unable to find a monk robe, and fearful of the missionaries downfall, was looking for a pair of SS pants in Kathmandu,skittering from market stall to market stall looking for a tailor and secret weapon scientist known as cosmo tidbit.

Robin W Enos
Tidbit smiled faintly when he saw Lederhosen’s lederhosen. “So, Herr Kapitan, brauchst Du a new pair of Alpine jodhpurs in the usual style?” “Ja, there is no time. Ich muss to you about another subject to talk.” “So. Step into my fitting room, Herr Kapitan.” Without another word, Lederhosen ducked into Tidbit’s backroom.

Flint Dille
Jack nervously looked back. It wasn’t the Nazi Zombies he was worried about it was the menehunies. He’d burned them on a Pu Pu deal and they wanted his head on a platter. But all that vanished like the boat he was in. A Navy ship called The Grog — if theNavy Grog could talk – but it can’t. Now to snag the Rangoon ruby.

Robin W Enos
The flight across the Himalayan range had been uneventful. Now if the USS Grog would only make speed across the Bay of Bengal. Twan nodded when Jack made a “speed-up” motion, and pressed the throttle forward, to coax a few more rpm out of…

Flint Dille
“‘Theyre only three feet tall,but they fight like hell.” jack said over the roar of the Grog’s engine. Then. In the midst of the battle, though the smell of cordite and diesel he got a whiff of Jungle flower… Only one woman in all Asia word that mesmerizing scent. All of the sudden the bullets and the shrieking demons didn’t matter any more.

Robin W Enos
Jack turned away from the smoking barrel of the 50-cal. Pupuli stood there in a black leather bustier, ammo belts slung around each shoulder, and an English Bren submachine gun at her waist. “Jack, get out of the way. I know what those…

Robin W Enos
Or so we want Jungle flower-scented woman to be Sweet Leilani? Logic gate . . . . .

Flint Dille
Don’t know. Just threw in the smell. Any way around, ‘The smoke from the burning Menihuni wreck drifted toward the Grog, but Jack couldn’t smell it. He could only smell the Jungle Flower. It lead him like a beckoning finger. “I’m changing course…” “Where too, Pupili asked.” Jack turned to her. Mesmerized. She’d seen it before. “I don’t know.”

Robin W Enos
Princess Pupuli looked scornful. “Jack, snap out of it. Dr. Funk doublecrossed me. He’s got Lederhosen and the Nazi Zombies. I want that Ruby!” Twan looked back and forth between them. Jack was still in a fog. Pupuli broke the silence. “Twan, Ahead Full. Get us to Rangoon. I’ll take Lover Boy below and get him some coffee.” Twan, who had always liked Pupuli, jamed the throttles forward again. In a moment, he was humming “As Time Goes By.”

Flint Dille
The coffee worked. Gone was the dames scent.

Robin W Enos
Open air market, Rangoon. The dame herself threw Jack a dirty look. To Haraj, the unkempt young man behind the counter at the Souk, she showed even more contempt. “So, you feeble excuse for a son, your father Harach is no longer in the shop?” “No, Sitt Hakim.” Jack thought, Why Arabic? In Rangoon?

Robin W Enos
Harach feigned lack of knowledge about Dr. Funk’s movements, but when Jack reminded him about the Menehunie Curse, Harach gave in. “Dr. Funk is headed toward Kathmandu with the Nazi and three of those things. By camel, then rail. They were here this morning. Pupuli’s eyes flashed. “Three hours’ headstart.” Cut to Pupuli and Jack, on horseback, the Himalayan skyline in the background, Dmitri Tiomkin/Elmer Bernstein music soaring in the background.

Robin W Enos
Kathmandu. Furry natives, log cabin. One turbaned man bleeding on the floor. Funk, to Lederhosen: “Now we have the Ruby. Let’s get out of here.” Lederhosen, “Macht schnell.”

One Response to “How It All Began”

  1. Robin Enos 05/18/2011 at 3:45 am #

    Pupuli turned the turbaned man’s body over with an elegant toe. “He’s alive, Jack.”
    Jack, centered on Pupuli now he had scanned all four corners of the room for threats. “Let’s find out what he knows.”
    Pupuli, surprisingly adept at nursing, brought the man’s head forward, then water to his lips. The man spoke Hindi at first, then broken English.
    “The German, the German. He took the ruby.”
    “Damn!” spat Jack.
    Pupuli’s voice purred. “So, my dear friend, what may I call you?”
    “Ah, Sulieman. Such a fine strong name. How did the German know to come here for the Ruby?”
    “I do not know, Mrs. English.”
    “Call me Princess, Sulieman.”
    “By your command, Princess.”
    “So who was the other man with the German?”
    “A dealer I know from Rangoon.”
    “And, cheri Sulieman, how did you come to possess the Ruby?” Pupuli’s words dripped oil, but her eyes burned with interest.
    “Oh, my Princess, that is very complicated.”
    “Yes, cheri. And I love to listen. Come to your Princess. Relax and tell me the whole story.”
    Jack knew they were set for awhile. He ducked out of the shed, saw the late afternoon was failing, and saw the plume of dust far away, up the pass.
    “We’ll have to stay here for the night,” he muttered.

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