Tag Archives: Jeff Woodruff

“Psychotic Suzi”

12 Jul

Psychotic Suzi

The Dragon’s Triangle

August 13th, 1942; Yap Island.

Cosmo Tidbit’s personal assistant and lover psychotic Suzi, was overseeing construction of the Nazis top secret weapon with a tribe of headhunters, who were doing the actual work. They were building an electro-magnetic tower, the final one in a series of three; the others being located on Miyake Island and Taiwan and would form the Dragon’s Triangle.

The towers were camouflaged within their respective natural environments so as to avoid detection from air and ground level.  The activation of the three secret towers in Bermuda, the previous year, proved successful and had an unexpected yet pleasant side effect when the USS Proteus and Nereus experienced complete navigation system failure before vanishing without a trace, baffling the Americans and, quite frankly, the Germans also.

Though the Nazis neither knew nor cared what became of the American vessels, Suzi couldn’t help but wonder what fate would befall her when she personally tested their current project.  When completed, the idea was to be able to transport several German battalions from the Dragon’s triangle to the Bermuda triangle in the blink of an eye. Once there, they would launch their missiles and transport back to the coast of Japan before the missiles hit their target. The Americans would never know what hit them.  If successful it would turn the war in their favor and mean complete and utter control of the world.

Suzi took a break in the shade so she wouldn’t end up looking like a burnt Hawaiian. The sun was unbearable at times, she thought to herself.  The only thing that kept her going was the thought of her and Cosmo doing the Caribbean limbo on the beach where afterward they could skip and go naked.

As she sipped her electric lemonade, the headhunters released a yellow bird into the air signaling the project had been completed. She shouted something in Woleaian at them and they started to erase all traces of their work on the island.

Suddenly, a sharp pain, like a cobra fang, caused Suzi to cry out. She looked down at her calf to see the source of her agony…

An arrow! The Sonkakura tribe were ambushing their camp.

Suzi yanked the arrowhead from her leg and locked eyes with her nemesis, Chief Lapu Lapu as he drew another arrow. She dove for cover just as it struck the post where her head had been and reached for her MP40. Suzi sprang up and sprayed the battlefield with lead. Enemies and Allies alike fell dead. But the Chief was nowhere to be seen. Suzi bolted toward the nearby caves, leaving the tribes to kill each other.

Running for her life, Suzi glanced over her shoulder and there he was, Chief Lapu Lapu, calmly marching toward her. Another arrow struck the ground at the entrance to the cave just as Suzi fled inside ignoring the native’s curse. Chief Lapu Lapu knew better, however. He stopped at the mouth of the cave and performed a sacred chant before entering.

Inside the cold, dark cave, Suzi fired her weapon in front of her as a means of light so she could navigate the complex system of corridors. She also fired a few rounds behind her in hopes she would strike the chief. The flash from her MP40 exposed the occasional petro glyph and skull and bones as she flew past them. She had to find a way out of these caves, so she could complete her mission and rule the world with her beloved, Cosmo. If she was captured it would mean the end of her life; not by the Americans, mind you, who were weak and would not torture a P.O.W to death. Even if they were capable of such atrocities she would never tell them anything, but if Lederhosen ever learned she had been in the hands of the enemy, even for a second, he would have Dr. Funk make the last remaining moments of her life as miserable as one could imagine.  No.  Capture was not an option.

Chief Lapu Lapu knew these caves well, for he had played in them as a child. Every twist, turn and dead end like the back of his hand; he even knew about the hidden cave entrance from the water, where right now, as he stalked Suzi, two Nazi subs full of tiki gold  were waiting to escort them from the Island once their project was done. What they were constructing he had no idea but he knew whatever it was couldn’t be good.  He turned right, away from the sounds of Psycho Suzi’s machine gun; he knew a shortcut that the Nazis had over-looked and would cut her off before she could reach the others.

He had first met Suzi when the Nazis landed on the island over a month ago.  The Germans made no effort to be friendly with him or his tribes. They immediately took over the island by force and anyone who opposed them was killed immediately. They captured all of his men, forcing them to work as slaves; the women were raped and killed. Suzi liked to watch.  When Chief Lapu Lapu’s wife Laka Nuki resisted, Suzi shot her in the back of the head as she attempted to escape.

Now, here in the cave, he knew he couldn’t let Suzi get off the island. He must enact his revenge.  He could see the light from and hear the generators up ahead, when suddenly he detected the faint sound of water falling upon rocks and a whistle- a Nazi Soldier relieving himself.  Luckily, the chief had slipped past him unnoticed. Still though, he couldn’t risk leaving the man alive.  If the soldier spotted him, he could spoil the Chief’s chance for revenge on the Nazi woman who had murdered his beloved wife.  Chief Lapu Lapu drew back an arrow and released, sinking it deep into the soldier’s neck, effectively suppressing a scream.

With his dying aspiration, the soldier turned to fire on him, but the Chief was quicker and sunk his blade into the Nazis heart, finishing the job.

As he continued on his way, the sound of the generators grew louder, until finally the two subs lay before him. The noise from the generators must have drowned out Suzi’s machine gun fire because there were no signs of alarm among the troops.

Then, Chief Lapu Lapu’s heart sunk as he saw Suzi speaking excitedly to another Nazi officer before boarding one of the Subs. He was too late. She was getting away. Suddenly, an idea struck him like a rum barrel to the head. It was risky, but he had no other choice. He went back to the dead Nazi, donned his uniform and began carefully carving away at the soldiers face with a shark’s tooth. He had shrunken heads before but never removed a man’s face, but there was a first time for everything.

At the sub, Chief Lapu Lapu, disguised under the Nazi soldier’s face, grabbed one of the last remaining bricks of tiki gold and successfully gained access to the sub by carrying it aboard.

Inside the sub, Chief placed the gold brick on the top of a pile and blended in as best he could, hoping no one would speak to him. He had only picked up a few phrases during the months the Nazis had occupied the island, so his German wasn’t that good. Surrounded by Nazis, the Chief made his way through the sub in search of Suzi. The Germans shouted orders at each other all around him as they glided through the ocean. From a door up ahead, Suzi emerged with a staff of four and headed toward the bridge. It was too risky to go after her while she was surrounded, not because he was scared to die in the process — in fact he was counting on it– but he must make absolutely certain that Suzi was dead before he joined his wife in the afterlife. Were he to miss and die prematurely he could not rest in peace.

Suzi shouted at her men to make ready for the experiment. Her sub would be the first to test whether the Dragon’s Triangle was successful. If Cosmo’s calculations were correct, and she was sure they were, Suzi and her crew would end up just outside of Florida in the Bermuda Triangle within seconds and begin their attack. Soon they would begin secretly constructing more towers in and around the United States allowing them to attack the Americans from all sides and vanish before they could retaliate.  Repeat process for world domination.

The sub surfaced and the bridge was quiet with anticipation as the countdown began. 59. 58. 57. 56… Then Suzi noticed a soldier out of place. He was not an officer and did not belong on the bridge with them. She shouted for him to leave but he stood there like a zombie. She seethed at his defiance and ordered her men to bring him to her as the countdown continued. 40. 39. 38. 37 …

Chief Lapu Lapu stood there frozen in fear. Suzi had noticed him and soon they would find out his real identity. As the two Nazi soldiers approached him he drew his blade and with the ferocity of a great white turned their once solid bodies into pulp.  31. 30. 29. 28…

Suzi watched in horror, and a bit turned on, as the German soldier under her command murdered two of her officers. She drew her luger. She knew the protocol about firing a weapon inside a sub but she didn’t care, her name was Psychotic Suzi after all, and besides, she was a good shot. She fired into the soldier’s hand disarming him as two more Nazis subdued him.  22. 21. 20. 19…

As Suzi looked into the face of the soldier gone mad, she noticed something peculiar about it. It seemed fake, almost rubbery, and did not compliment the bone structure underneath. In fact, it definitely was not the bone structure of a German at all. She picked at a piece of loose skin and peeled back the soldier’s face; her expression a mix of repulsion and amusement. 13. 12. 11. 10…

Chief Lapu Lapu smiled at Suzi, then spat in her face.  Another officer shouted something at her in German. Suzi, in return, ordered two officers to tie the Chief down. Apparently they were going to deal with him later. She seemed more interested in a set of numbers on the bulkhead. Again the room fell eerily quiet. Wiping the spit from her face, Suzi grabbed the periscope and trained it toward a group of small islands. Chief Lapu Lapu waited with baited breath. He wondered how his friend Pago Pago was doing against the headhunters 5. 4. 3. 2. 1..

Through the periscope Suzi saw a lightning storm like no other. The once blue waves were now dark and stormy. The hair on her arm stuck straight up from the electricity in the air. And suddenly two massive ships appeared out of thin air in front of her sub. She scanned their hulls with her periscope and noticed the American Flag on both vessels. As she read the names of the ships her stomach dropped like a pearl diver. They were the USS Proteus and Nereus.

                                                                                                      TO BE CONTINUED…

Created by Jeff Woodruff

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